Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
