My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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