You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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