I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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