good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
