Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
