The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
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