In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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