: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
