he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
People in love make me want to vomit
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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