If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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