who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
