What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
