Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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