she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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