Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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