Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
where are my eyebrows?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
