Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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