the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
