If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
