can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
