this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
