stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
did i walk over a car last night?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
