New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
