my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
