Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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Randomize
