my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
