dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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