Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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