Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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