I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
