did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
