I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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