Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
