dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
