My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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