There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
