Ambien. No doubt about it.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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