the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I believe in your delicious
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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