I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
