I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
