This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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