One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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