don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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