I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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