Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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