two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
