She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
