I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
