No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
