I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
