It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
