Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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