I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
