I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
