Sorry, I don't speak sober.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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