Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
