i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
