yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
