honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
