What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
